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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.